


The Sunset

by negativethursday



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AUish, Garrus POV, ME3, i'm completely making this up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:05:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7855498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/negativethursday/pseuds/negativethursday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a mission goes south, Shepard finds out there's more to her Cerberus upgrades than she expected. (also known as: I'm a big fan of one sentence descriptions)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Garrus, I want you sniping from that vantage point,” Shepard ordered, pointing at a balcony overlooking the courtyard. “James, you’re with me.”

“Finally, some action!” the marine smirked, cocking his gun.

Garrus tilted his head at Shepard, a silent question. _You’re not sniping too?_ She shook her head imperceptibly and reached for her shotgun, and Garrus read her reply through her movements. _No, I want to get my hands dirty this time._ He could understand that. As satisfying as perfect headshots were, sometimes you needed things to be up close and personal, even when it came to Reapers. Maybe even especially when it came to Reapers.

With a nod, Garrus turned and climbed the ladder behind them, while Shepard and Vega took cover, readying their weapons. On the balcony, Garrus loaded his Widow and waited. For a moment everything was silent. Then, Garrus saw the first wave of Cannibals rounding the corner. “We’ve got company,” he said casually over the comms, taking down the first Cannibal and already aiming at the second.

“Alright, bring it on!” Vega shouted, and Garrus lost himself to the familiar rhythm of a firefight. Aim, shoot, reload, repeat. Don’t hit Shepard or Vega, who were dancing around the Reapers and shooting them with incendiary ammo at point blank range. Don’t let the cannibals…cannibalize. Just keep going. Just keep shooting. Just keep shooting.

Garrus didn’t know how long the fight went on, but when all the gunfire had died down there were dozens of corpses littering the ground – Cannibals, Marauders, even a couple Brutes.

“Alright, I think that’s all-” Shepard began to say, but Garrus saw a Cannibal stirring on the ground, and he quickly lined up a shot, getting it right through the heart.

“You were saying?” he drawled. Not a moment too soon, too. That was his last bullet.

He heard Shepard laugh, and he smiled to himself. This is what they did best. They worked so well together, always had. And no matter what else was going on the galaxy, in some ways…Garrus was the happiest he’d been in a long time. Maybe not happy, he amended, thinking of Palaven. Content. Fulfilled. On the Normandy he felt needed and useful and appreciated, all because of Shepard.

“Okay, _now_ I think that’s all of them. Let’s grab the data and get out of here.” She moved to a console and began typing, and Vega walked through the mass of bodies, pausing to kick one every few feet.

“You got that Brute pretty good, James,” Shepard said from the console just as Vega passed one of the Brutes they’d taken down.

“No biggie,” he said, but Garrus could see a little swagger added to his step.

“Yeah, except it is a biggie,” she said, and Garrus could hear her smile. “See, that was my kill, and I was just about to go for the kill shot when all of the sudden, my lieutenant took his attention away from the Ravager I’d ordered him to take down? And he went for the Brute instead? Even though it was my kill?”

“Oh, geez Lola, it’s not that I thought you couldn’t handle it-”

“It isn’t?” Shepard said in mock surprise. “Because if you doubt me, I can introduce you to all the actual _Reapers_ I’ve killed.”

“No I just – well, you already got the first one, and I thought it was only fair if I-”

“You _thought_?” Garrus could tell she was keeping in a laugh. “Is it your job to _think_ , Lieutenant? Or is it mine?”

“It’s yours,” he mumbled, looking down at the Brute in question.

“Speak up, soldier!” she commanded in her best Commander voice.

“It’s your job to think, ma’am!” Vega said, snapping to attention.

She finally let out the laugh. “Alright James, you’re off the hook. But next time you steal one of my kills, you owe me a drink.”

“If that’s alright with Vakarian, ma’am,” he replied, and it was Garrus’s turn to laugh.

“You’re lucky she’s only asking for a drink,” he said. “Back on the SR-1, if I stole her kills, she made me give her my copies of Fornax. Then again, maybe that was just her way of flirting with me.”

Vega doubled over with laughter, and Shepard shot him a glare over her shoulder that told him he’d pay for that one later. He smirked, and they held eye contact for a few moments, Shepard at the console, Garrus still on the balcony, until she finally rolled her eyes and smiled again.

She turned back to the console. “Cortez,” she said, “we’re almost done here, prepare for extraction.”

“Aye aye Commander, ETA 5 minutes.”

“Acknowledged,” she said, and then turned to Vega. “James, quit your victory lap and head to the LZ. I just need another minute here and we’ll be all set.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said, and he jogged away. Garrus stayed on the balcony a moment longer, watching Shepard work.

“So,” she said, and by the tone of her voice Garrus knew she was speaking on their private comm channel. “Busy later?”

“I might be, who wants to know?” he said lightly.

“Oh, I don’t actually care,” she laughed. “I’m just making small talk, Vakarian.”

“Somehow I’m not buying that, Shepard,” he said, pitching his voice a tone lower, the way she liked.

“What, you think I actually want to spend time with you?” she asked, but Garrus's visor was picking up her elevated body temperature.

“You’ve been known to in the past,” he said nonchalantly, and then added, “But as it so happens, I do actually have some calibrations planned…”

She opened her mouth to respond, but was drowned out by a sound that made Garrus’s blood run cold. He’d never forget that high-pitched scream as long as he lived.

“Banshee!” he yelled, as Shepard yelled, “Fuck!” at the same time. It took less than a second for Garrus to reach for his sniper and position it against the balcony railing.

“I still need 30 seconds for the download!” she yelled, looking back and forth between her omnitool and the corner where all the Reapers had come from.

“I’ll cover you!” Garrus shouted back, and then the Banshee came into view, glowing and sparking, jumping through space and still making that terrible noise.

“I’m overloading its barrier!” he yelled, and an instant later the Banshee’s barrier was down. “Just gotta line up a shot now,” he said, trying to sound calmer.

He looked through the scope on his sniper, trying to find the right shot. The thing kept jumping around, never staying in one place - there was a reason he always used his assault rifle on them, but from this distance that would be impossible.

Finally it stilled for a moment, and Garrus pulled the trigger – but nothing happened. “Fuck! Shepard, I’m out of ammo up here. I’m coming down!” he shouted, trying not to let her hear the fear in his voice as he stowed his sniper and ran for the ladder.

“Vega, get over here!” Shepard yelled, but there was no reply.

“Private channel!” Garrus tried to tell her, but he didn’t think she heard him over the Banshee’s screams.

He slid down the ladder and vaulted over the low wall. He was reaching for his assault rifle when he heard her scream. Garrus’s heart stopped. He turned the corner and saw the Banshee had lifted Shepard off the ground, her shotgun lying on the floor. She scrambled for her pistol, but it was no use. Before Garrus could lift his assault rifle, the Banshee impaled her with its long sharp fingers, right through the stomach – Shepard stopped screaming. She fell to the floor. She didn’t get up.

Garrus didn’t think. He raised his rifle and poured every single bullet into the Banshee, round after round, until it stopped screaming too. Then he dropped his gun and ran to Shepard’s side.

_No. Fuck. No no no no. Shepard, no. No!_

She wasn’t moving. She wasn’t even breathing. And there was so much blood, pooled around the wound in her stomach…

“Get up Shepard!” he yelled, but there was so much blood, and she really wasn’t breathing, his visor showed no life signs –

Garrus’s head snapped around at the sound of footsteps, rifle raised, but it was just Vega running around the corner. “Thought I heard a Banshee, didn’t want you two having all the fun without – holy shit. Shit shit shit. She’s not…?”

“We need to get her to the Normandy.” Garrus heard himself say the words, but he didn’t quite understand their meaning. He didn’t move.

Vega stepped toward him, but then saw the extent of Shepard’s stomach wound. Blood was still pouring out of it. “Oh fuck,” he said, and he turned and threw up. Still Garrus didn’t move.

Cortez’s voice crackled through the comms. “Commander, where are you guys? I’m reading more Reaper troops inbound, if we wanna leave we gotta do it now.”

“Garrus. We’ve gotta go,” Vega said, and Garrus barely even registered the use of his first name.

“I’m not….I’m not leaving her,” he said, unable to tear his eyes away from the blood soaking her undersuit, staining her skin.

“No, of course not, we’re bringing her with us. Can you carry her?” Vega’s voice was unsteady, like he might throw up again, but he continued. “We need to get her on the shuttle so we can…apply medigel.

 _Medigel won’t fix this_ , Garrus thought, but he didn’t say anything. He gingerly scooped up Shepard’s limp body, accidentally smearing her blood down the front of his armor, and stood up. Vega reached down and grabbed her shotgun, abandoned on the floor.

“Esteban, we’re on our way,” Vega said, and Garrus felt his feet move, one in front of the other, as more of her blood ran down his chest. She had stopped bleeding.

They made it to the shuttle and Cortez took off. Garrus laid Shepard on the floor with her head in his lap, trying to keep it steady against the jolting of the shuttle. Vega kneeled next to her with medigel, but a moment later he lowered his hands.

“She’s…fuck. This can’t be happening,” he whispered. “I should have stayed, I should have come sooner, this can’t be happening.”

Garrus didn’t say anything, just closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

This was happening.

Commander Shepard was dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was just an idea had while playing today. right now i'm doing my first insanity playthrough, and guess what -- IT'S INSANE. and i was kinda like, can't keep dying and reloading a save. what if something really happened?  
> \--as you can tell from the descrip, more stuff's gonna happen; i wrote this chapter to kinda set the scene and it got a bit long, but it's like 1 am and i decided to post it now so i can A) go to sleep and B) be more motivated to keep writing this and not abandon it halfway through. this is my first time doing a multi chapter thing, so bear with me!  
> <3


	2. Chapter 2

“Cortez,” Vega finally said after a long stretch of silence. “Radio the Normandy and tell Chakwas to meet us in the shuttle bay.”

“Will do. Everything okay back there?” Cortez called back.

“Just do it,” Vega replied shakily, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. Garrus saw him put his head between his legs and take deep breaths.

Garrus kept his eyes trained on Shepard’s stomach, making himself memorize the shape of the wound he had been too slow to prevent. He remembered the pain he’d felt when Palaven burned, the fire and destruction so bright it was visible from space – but losing his world literally was nothing compared to losing it metaphorically. How could one person become more important than an entire planet? How could one person leave and take every piece of his heart with them?

He didn’t know. Or, maybe he’d always known.

He remembered Omega; the relief in her eyes when he’d taken off his helmet, his stomach twisting itself in knots at the sight of her, alive, in front of him. “I thought you were dead,” he’d said. She winced at the words, but avoided the question. It was months later, late one night in her cabin, tangled together under her blankets, that he finally found the courage to ask again.

“You keep saying Cerberus rebuilt you. What does that mean?”

She stiffened, but Garrus kept tracing light circles on her back, and eventually she relaxed again.

“What do you think happened? I’ll tell you if you’re right,” she said. Avoiding it again, but not shutting it down.

“Well, from what I’ve been able to put together from things you and Lawson have said…I guess what I’m picturing is that the Normandy got shot down over Alchera, you were spaced, and Cerberus picked you up pretty soon after that. You spent two years recovering, and getting some fancy new hardware, and then they sent you back out here. But I know I’m missing a lot of pieces.”

She sighed, as if bracing herself. “Yeah, you’ve got the beginning right at least. The Normandy got attacked. I got spaced. But then,” she hesitated. “My oxygen tubes were damaged and I…I suffocated. I died, Garrus. I wasn’t just in a coma or anything - I was dead. It was weeks before Cerberus got me, I think. I still don’t really know what they did to me, or how, but I know it took four billion credits and two years and-” She was breathing quickly, and Garrus pressed his forehead to hers to keep her steady. “And then Cerberus puts this window right above my bed?” she said, gesturing to the skylight. “As if I need to be reminded of that every time I go to sleep? It’s like a sick threat from the Illusive Man, you’re only one window away from dying all over again. It’s not like I asked them to bring me back! Sometimes I wish they hadn’t.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” said Garrus, holding her tight against his chest. “Look at me. This might be a little selfish, but I am so, so glad you’re here.”

The next day, when Shepard had been on Ilium getting supplies, Garrus installed a cover over the window. It wasn’t much, just a sheet of metal drilled into the ceiling, but Shepard’s eyes lit up when she saw it and Garrus knew, however much she resented Cerberus, he’d always be a little bit grateful.

Garrus heard the shuttle’s engines slow down, and knew they were about to land. He glanced at Vega, but the marine’s head was buried in his hands, his breathing short and ragged. Garrus couldn’t bring himself to look at Shepard’s face just yet, so he stared at the shuttle door, trying to prepare something to say to Chakwas.

They landed. The door opened. Chakwas came in, omnitool at the ready, but stopped short when she saw the scene before them. Some of Shepard’s blood had pooled on the shuttle floor, Vega was hyperventilating, Garrus didn’t say anything.

“What happened?” she whispered, but Garrus’s mouth couldn’t form words. She knelt down and did a scan with her omnitool, and Garrus didn’t need to be an expert on human expressions to read the pain on her face.

“Let’s…get her to the med bay,” she said finally, when it was clear neither Garrus or James were going to say anything. Garrus nodded slightly, and positioned her in his arms like he’d done before. At that moment, Cortez walked out of the cockpit and saw them, saw her.

“Oh no…” he said, and when Garrus looked up, he saw that Cortez was looking at him, not at Shepard. Garrus blinked and looked away quickly.

He stood up and walked out of the shuttle, not waiting for anyone to follow. Chakwas joined him in the elevator, but he saw Cortez stay behind talking to Vega.

“What happened?” Chakwas asked again, but Garrus still couldn’t speak. They stepped out onto the crew deck and Chakwas led the way to the med bay. Luckily it was late and there wasn’t anyone in the mess – Garrus wasn’t sure he could handle that right now.

In the med bay, he laid her down on one of the beds and sat in the chair next to it, unsure what to do. Chakwas was doing another scan, but Garrus knew it wouldn’t mean anything. His visor was telling him Shepard’s body temperature was down ten degrees from normal. He reached up and turned it off.

Finally Chakwas sighed and closed her omnitool, pain contorting on her face. “Someone needs to tell Hackett,” she finally said.

Garrus found his voice at last. “Lawson.”

“Garrus, I don’t think-”

“Lawson,” he said again, his voice sounding unfamiliar in his ears.

“Garrus,” she tried again. “Even if we find Miranda, that’s no guarantee. We don’t have billions of credits lying around, or two years to wait. Not even Shepard can come back twice-”

Garrus growled slightly, and pulled up his omnitool. He found Lawson’s extranet address, the one she’d been using to contact Shepard, and typed a message.

_Commander Shepard gravely injured. Need your help ASAP. GV._

He sent it before his better judgment got the best of him.

“We still need to tell the Alliance,” Chakwas insisted, activating her own omnitool. “There’s protocol.”

“No,” Garrus said, more harshly than he meant. “No one else can know.”

She grit her teeth, but she didn’t push it anymore. “Will you let me clean her up at least?”

Garrus sat back as Chakwas cleaned the wound, wiping most of the blood away, and dressed it as best she could. The wound went straight through her back, so Chakwas turned her over and dressed that side, too. She tried to wipe the blood off Garrus’s armor, but he turned away from her. Then, she took a sheet from the bed and placed it over her body covering her completely.

She stood there for another moment, then said, “I should go check on James, he seemed like he was going into shock. I’ll…tell them not to tell anyone for now, but we’ll need to talk about this tomorrow, Garrus.”

He nodded, not taking his eyes from the sheet covering her. He heard the door open and close, and the silence in the room became overwhelming.

He lifted the side of the sheet slightly, just enough to expose her hand. It was pale and cold, and – had it always been so small? He put his own hand on top of it, trying his best to slide his fingers between hers they way she’d shown him, but it wasn’t the same.

The silence of the room magnified his thoughts, echoing and screaming through his head.

_This is all my fault._

_I couldn’t save her._

_I should have told her what she meant to me._

And maybe, loudest of all, _She died once and it nearly killed me. How am I supposed to get through this again?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me to myself: why don't you write something really really gut wrenching and awful and heart breaking  
> me to myself: yes perfect i love it  
> me to myself: what if...it also included flashbacks of fluff  
> me to myself: YES PERFECT I LOVE IT


	3. Chapter 3

Chakwas didn’t come back, so Garrus continued to sit by Shepard’s bed, his hand on top of hers, not moving. _I’m probably in shock too,_ he thought absently, and that was the last coherent thought he had for a long time.

He didn’t know how long he sat there – his visor was still off so he couldn’t check the time readily – but it didn’t matter. Time didn’t mean anything, not anymore. The walls of the med bay around him, the sound of his breathing, Shepard’s cold hand under his; none of it mattered. Garrus’s senses were all numb.

The first time he’d met her, he knew she’d change his life. He was too young to be so bitter, and too tired of not making a difference. Shepard had given him that chance, but also given him an opportunity to prove himself. He’d always been unsure of himself, but working with Shepard gave him a confidence he’d never had before.

He remembered their late night chats by the Mako, when he opened up to her about C-Sec and his father and his hopes and dreams – she didn’t share nearly as much, but she always listened, always made him feel like what he had to say was worth listening to.

He remembered how it felt when she’d died the first time – like everything he’d worked for had been taken from him, like he’d lost the best friend he’d ever had. His newfound confidence shattered. There wasn’t any justice in the galaxy after all – in what universe did Shepard deserve to die and he deserve to live? He shook his head, not willing to revisit those thoughts yet. He didn’t want to go down that path again.

Instead he saw his best memories of her life, and he felt so grateful to have been a part of it, even for such a short time. The way she helped him take down Dr. Saleon without a second thought, and again for Sidonis; the fire in her eyes when she realized the Illusive Man had sent them into a trap; the night he saw her get drunk with Tali in the lounge, both of them laughing so hard they couldn’t stand up; the smile on her face when Kalros took down the Reaper on Tuchanka; the night before the Omega-4 relay, and the nights since –

No. Vega was right: this couldn’t be happening. He saw her stumble out of the diving mech after tracking down Leviathan. He’d held her in his arms then just as he’d done earlier, her body freezing cold but still not as cold as it was right now. He’d been so afraid he’d lost her again – he saw her smile at him on Menae, after six months apart and a week of thinking she’d died on Earth, it was one of the happiest moments of his life. In that single moment, he knew that no matter what happened, no matter how many Reapers came, they’d be okay as long as they were together – No. He started shaking his head, as if his denial could change what he knew was true. The unthinkable had happened. Without Shepard, the galaxy was lost. He was lost. He couldn’t do this without her – he wouldn’t.

He saw her shaking in his arms, the first time he’d seen her cry, after Mordin died. Not the first casualty and certainly not the last, but the first time she’d let him in so completely, let him see that she had a limit and was constantly pushed against it. He saw her sitting at the bar on the Citadel, the panic in her eyes when he made her dance, her strong grip on his arms, not willing to let go.

 _I should have told her,_ he thought. _I should have told her and now it’s too late. I should have told her._ The words echoed around his brain, repeating in a constant rhythm – it made his head feel so heavy, he had to rest it on the edge of the bed, just for a moment, he just needed a moment…to think…

He didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until he opened his eyes. He brought his head up slowly, remembering where he was and what had happened. It was still dark, still quiet, Shepard’s hand now a bit warmer after being enveloped in his for so long. He stared at their hands for a few minutes, and raised his eyes to look at the silhouette of her body under the sheet.

He needed to see her. He was ready to look at her face now – this might be the last chance he got. Slowly, he pulled his hand away from hers and slid the sheet down from over her face.

She looked just like he remembered, the hard lines of her face softer now, like when she slept. Her eyes were closed, her mouth slightly parted, a few strands of hair lying across her check. He reached up and pushed them behind her ear. Spirits, she was so beautiful, even like this. He felt his chest seize up, but he wasn’t ready to feel it, not yet.

He hoped that whatever happened to her spirit, it found peace, somewhere.

Garrus wasn’t actually surprised when she opened her eyes awhile later. He thought this might happen. It was a common belief among turians that the spirit of a loved one might come back to say goodbye before finishing its crossing into the afterlife. That Shepard wasn’t turian didn’t matter; she’d had as strong a spirit as anyone he’d ever met.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Hey,” he echoed, taking a deep breath.

“Everything okay?” she asked.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” he said, and she gave him a smile that said she knew he was lying.

“Have you been here all night?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t have anything better to do.” His joke was ruined by the crack in his voice. He’d been so good at holding it together, but one minute into his final conversation with Shepard and he knew he was about to fall apart.

He didn’t know how long this was going to last. He needed to tell her, while he still could.

“Look, Shepard, there are some things I need to say. That’s probably why you’re here, right? You know there’s stuff I needed to tell you?”

She took a breath to say something, but Garrus cut her off.

“I don’t know where you’re going, if you’ll remember anything of this or what, but I just need you to know that you are the most incredible person I’ve ever known, and I’ve loved you since we met on the Citadel. I’ve loved you every single day since then, even when you were with someone else, even when you were dead, even when the Alliance had you in lockup, I love you more than anyone has ever loved anybody, and I swear I will keep loving you for the rest of my life. I won't ever forget. I promise.”

He had spoken so fast that he had to take a moment to breathe, trying to keep it together for her; he just needed to let her know how important she was before she left him forever.

He glanced up at her and saw that she was staring at him, her mouth slightly agape, eyes wide. Wasn’t this what she was expecting?

“Garrus-”

“And I’m so, so sorry for what happened, I should have been faster, I should have come down quicker, I should have saved you – it’s all my fault, and I’d understand if you hate me for it, because I should have saved you, I should have…I should have…”

He was breathing heavily now. Turians didn’t cry like humans, they hyperventilated and made a high pitched whine with their subvocals - and  Garrus knew he was moments away from losing it completely.

“Of course I don’t hate you,” she said with a small chuckle. “It was bad timing. It’s not your fault.”

“It’s my job to protect you, and I failed!” he managed to get out in between gasps.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” she said, and she raised her hand – the one he’d been holding – to his cheek. Garrus leaned in to the warmth of her palm, and it steadied him for a moment. “It’s okay,” she continued, and he closed his eyes, willing himself to believe it. “It's okay. I’m here. I know that must have been rough on you, but it’s alright now. Chakwas will patch me up and I’ll be good as new.”

He jerked his head up involuntarily, breathing even more erratic, and looked in her eyes.

“What?”

“I said, I’ll be fine. The doctor hasn’t failed me yet, has she? Besides, I’ve come back from a lot worse than this-”

Garrus grabbed her hand again. It was warm, not just from holding his, but truly, miraculously warm. He scrambled for his visor and turned it back on – heart rate, steady. Temperature, steady. Vitals, steady.

“Everything okay?” she asked, perplexed.

“Shepard – you’re – you were – ” He was really hyperventilating now, but this couldn’t be possible. He jumped out of his seat and nearly stumbled.

“I was what?”

“Lights!” Garrus barked, and immediately the lights in the med bay came on. The color had returned to her cheeks, her chest rose and fell with every breath she took, and the sheet over her stomach wound was stained with blood.

“Ooh, that doesn’t look good,” she said, pulling the sheet down.

Blood had soaked through Chakwas’s bandages, and Shepard began to peel them away.

“No, don’t!” shouted Garrus, grabbing her wrist. “Fuck, what the fuck, need Chakwas,” he muttered rapidly, still failing to get control of his breathing. “EDI! I need Chakwas, now!”

“At once, Officer Vakarian,” EDI replied.

Garrus stood next to her bed, hands shaking, breathing shallowly – he could hear Shepard’s questions, but he didn’t understand them, didn’t understand what was happening, how this was possible –

Chakwas rushed into the room and stopped in her tracks when she saw Shepard. Without even looking at Garrus she opened her omnitool and confirmed what Garrus’s visor had told him.

“How is this…” she whispered to herself, and then reached for the blood stained bandages. “Commander, how are you feeling?” she asked cautiously, and Garrus saw her hands were shaking.

“I'm fine, what’s going on?” she demanded.

Chakwas peeled away the bandages layer by layer. Garrus braced himself – he had memorized the shape of the wound the Banshee had given her – but when the last bandage was gone, he saw pink, soft skin, lighter than the rest of her stomach, covering the spot where the wound had been. Chakwas gasped.

“This is – Shepard, what do you remember?”

“We were on a mission,” she said slowly, “just finished with the Reapers, I was downloading the data Hackett wanted, and a Banshee came. Garrus said he’d cover me, but I must have gotten knocked out. I woke up and he was here, but then he started freaking out.”

“Commander, I’m not sure how to tell you this-”

“You died, Shepard,” Garrus said, his breathing somewhat under control. “I didn’t get to you fast enough and the Banshee…you died. It’s been,” he checked the time on his visor. 0500. “12 hours since then. You were…cold, and pale, and you weren’t breathing, and…we were…I was…trying to figure out what to do.”

She was silent for a moment, taking it in.

“I…died,” she said. It wasn’t a question. “And now I’m back.”

“It appears so, Commander,” said Chakwas, running another scan on her omnitool.

Shepard shook her head slightly, and looked at Garrus. “We’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” she said with a small smile, and Garrus knew that this was real, this was happening, Commander Shepard had beaten death twice, she was still here and still his.

He sat on the edge of the bed, and she sat up, and then she was in his arms, her head in the crook of his neck, and he felt the shaking of her chest that meant she was crying.

And even though turians couldn’t cry, his heart felt so full, and his subvocals were so loud, Garrus felt like he was giving his best approximation.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pray for me, after i post this i'm gonna play the last mission on earth...this is like my fifth time and i'm still not emotionally prepared. <3


	4. Chapter 4

“Who else knows?” Shepard finally asked.

“Just Vega and Cortez,” Garrus replied.

“Not the Alliance?”

“No, I, uh…decided to wait,” he said sheepishly.

She laughed lightly. “Well, at least that’s one good thing. I don’t want anyone else knowing about this. EDI, can you send up Steve and James?”

“Of course, Commander.”

“Shepard, you sure you want to do this now?” Garrus asked, finally pulling away and looking in her eyes. “You need to rest-”

She kissed him on his scarred mandible. “I’m fine, really. I just don’t want them thinking I’m dead for a minute longer than they have to.” She took a breath. “We’ll figure this out.”

A few minutes later, James and Steve entered the med bay, looking thoroughly exhausted – maybe from being woken up, or maybe because they hadn’t slept. When Vega saw Shepard sitting on the bed, he let out a whoop of excitement and ran over, wrapping his arms around her.

“I don’t care how,” he said, squeezing her so tightly Garrus almost intervened. “But I swear, Lola, I will never steal one of your kills ever again.”

She laughed, one of those genuine Shepard laughs, and pulled herself free from his grip. “Couldn’t let you try to save the galaxy without me, could I?” she teased, punching him the arm.

“No ma’am,” he grinned, looking dazed.

Cortez walked forward and took her hand. “Glad to see you’re okay, Commander. You had us worried there for a minute.”

Her smile faltered for a brief second. “Yeah…about that. We’re still not sure how I… recovered so quickly, so for now I want this under wraps, understood? What does the crew know?”

“Nothing; no one saw us bring you in, and I gave instructions for the night crew not to come in here,” supplied Chakwas. “Although the rest of the crew will be waking up soon.”

“Excellent,” Shepard said. “Alright. If anyone asks, the mission was fine. I got knocked around a bit so the doctor ordered bed rest for today, but other than that nothing out of the ordinary happened. Cortez, Vega, you’re dismissed. Try to get a bit more sleep.”

“Aye ma’am,” Cortez said, and Vega saluted her, still grinning.

“That goes for you too, Karin,” Shepard said after they left. “I appreciate everything you’ve done here, but you should go back to sleep.” Chakwas looked like she wanted to protest, but Shepard held up a hand. “Garrus can help me to my cabin. I’ll let you know if I need anything,” she said, a clear dismissal.

Shepard swung her legs off the bed and stood up.

“Everything okay?” asked Garrus as she steadied himself on his arm.

“Yeah, I think so. Kinda feels like when I came back the first time,” she said, furrowing her eyebrows.

Together they walked out of the med bay and into the elevator. Shepard put a hand on her forehead and closed her eyes.

“Really Shepard, maybe it’d be a good idea for you to spend the rest of the night-”

“Garrus, please,” she whispered, and he closed his mouth. He could tell that no matter how nonchalant she tried to sound with Chakwas and Vega and Cortez, she was hurting, and scared, and confused. He didn’t push it.

In her cabin, he helped her out of her bloody undersuit and found her some shorts and an old t-shirt to wear to bed. He couldn’t help staring at the new scar on her stomach while she changed, wondering for the millionth time how this had happened.

“I wish Miranda was here,” she said suddenly, pulling up her shirt to look at the scar in the mirror. “I mean, she was there the first time – don’t think she’d wanna miss this one, too.”

For the first time since Shepard had woken up, Garrus remembered his hasty message to Lawson the night before.

“It’s funny you mention that,” he said from the bed, pulling up his omnitool. No response, but that didn’t mean anything. “I actually sent her a message last night, told her you were injured. Thought she’d be able to help.”

Shepard turned to look at him and raised her eyebrows, and for a second he was afraid that had been the wrong thing to do. He started forming an apology when she said, “That was…a really good idea.” She sounded so surprised, like the idea would've never occurred to her, but also grateful.

His mandibles flared in a smile. “I’m just full of good ideas,” he said, reaching his arms out for her. She sat next to him on the bed, and he pulled her into his lap, foreheads touching.

“Oh yeah?” she said softly. “Got any good ideas right now?”

“Tons,” he said, running his fingers through her hair. Her lips were warm on his neck, her hands lightly stroked the soft area under his fringe – had it really been an hour ago she was cold and lifeless in a hospital bed?

Her hands moved to the seals of his armor, and she managed to get his chest piece off with little difficulty. "You're covered in blood," she murmured. He stiffened, his hands squeezing her waist with more force than necessary. "Mine?" she asked, pulling away from him. He nodded. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and stood up. For a second he thought she was going to tell him to leave, but instead she began taking off the rest of his armor, too.

"That's better," she said, lying down next to him. Immediately her lips were back on his neck, her legs tangling with his, and Garrus lost himself in the feeling, just for a moment. He swore to himself that he would never forget what it felt like to have her next to him, touching him, kissing him – he could die right now and be the happiest turian in the galaxy.

And then after the moment passed, he pulled away.

She looked at him, confused. He shook his head.

“Most of my ideas right now involve you getting a good night’s sleep and regaining your strength,” he purred.

She sighed exasperatedly. “Garrus, it’s almost 0600, not much time left in the night for sleeping. My alarm is gonna go off in half an hour anyway.”

Garrus reached over to the bedside table and disabled her alarm.

“You sure about that?”

She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Come on, Garrus,” she said, lacing her hands around his neck. He shook his head again. “Why not?”

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea, you’re still injured-”

“I feel fine!”

“Shepard,” he said, louder than he meant. She bit her lip and he softened immediately. “Shepard,” he said again. “It’s not that I don’t want to…I’m just scared.”

“Scared?” she whispered.

“I don’t want to tempt fate. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and find out this was all a dream, that you’re still gone…you don’t know what the past twelve hours were like for me, knowing that I…that you were…” he trailed off. Damn it, Shepard was alive, why did he still feel like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown?

She nodded knowingly, even though there was no way she could know how he felt. How it had felt to hold her cold hand while a sheet covered her face. To know that the one thing in the universe that made you believe in a better future was gone.

She pressed his forehead to his, a gesture of comfort and reassurance.

“I’m here. I promise I’m here.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s go to sleep.”

“Okay.”

She pulled back the covers and handed him an extra pillow, and soon they were in their familiar positions, holding on to each other, feeling each other breathe. Garrus had never before appreciated how her chest rose and fell so beautifully.

They were silent for a moment, but Garrus knew she wasn’t asleep. After a few more breaths, she said, “When I first woke up, just now, you weren’t surprised, you were talking to me like normal. Why?”

“I thought you were a spirit,” he mumbled in the back of her neck. “It’s an old turian belief, that spirits can come back before they finish crossing, so you can say goodbye.”

She was silent for a moment, thinking.

“So, you thought I was a spirit, and it was your last chance to talk to me?”

“Yeah.”

“And that’s why you told me you loved me?”

He paused, choosing his words carefully. Did she not feel the same way? Or was she afraid he only said it because of the circumstances? She was so hard to read sometimes, and he didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

He settled on the truth.

“I told you I loved you because I do,” he said quietly. “And the reason I said it then was because I should have said it a long time ago.”

She was silent for several minutes, and Garrus thought she might not respond. He wasn’t sure if he was upset or relieved.

The minutes dragged on.

Maybe it was too much, maybe she didn’t feel the same way, maybe this was getting too serious – he needed to say something to fix it, to diffuse the situation, he needed to take it back –

“Shepard, I-”

“I love you too.”

Garrus's stomach flipped over.

“You do?” he whispered incredulously.

She turned over so they were facing each other and put her hand on his cheek, looking in his eyes.

“I absolutely do. More than anything.” She gave a small smile.

Garrus kissed her forehead, his arms tightening around her waist.

Everything he’d been through – everything that had happened in the last 24 hours – it was all worth it, just for this one moment.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” she whispered back, and they fell asleep like that, the echoes of their words reverberating around the cabin, like a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE forgive me for this chapter, it completely ran away from me -- right before i wrote this i finished ME3, it was like my fifth time but it was my first time where Shepard lives at the end and i'm so EMOTIONAL, I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY . . . . .this chapter was supposed to have plot and developments and stuff but instead THIS HAPPENED...... 
> 
> next chapter (hopefully): reappearance of an old friend, maybe get some answers ? who knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> thank you for sticking with me, your comments mean the world to me <3


	5. Chapter 5

“I have to say, Commander, when I heard you were seriously injured this wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“What can I say,” Shepard deadpanned. “I’m full of surprises.”

The two women stared at each other for a moment – Shepard’s eyebrows raised, Miranda’s hand on her hip – and then, at exactly the same time, they smiled.

“So, can you tell me what I’m really doing here? It’s clear there was something you didn’t include in your message,” Miranda said, turning to Garrus.

Shepard’s smile fell, almost imperceptibly, but Garrus noticed. He shot her a questioning look, asking if she wanted him to explain, but she took a breath and shook her head.

“Yeah, there was,” she said, and Lawson turned her attention back to her. “What Garrus didn’t mention was that I wasn’t just injured – I was dead.”

Miranda blinked.

“Dead? Are you sure?”

“I mean, I don’t really remember a lot of it, but apparently I was out for something like twelve hours.”

“She had no heartbeat,” Garrus added. “Wasn’t breathing, body temperature dropped.” He shuddered slightly, but kept his gaze even. Shepard was here. Everything was alright.

Lawson had never responded to his message – she had just shown up in an unidentified shuttle, three days after Shepard regained consciousness.

Shepard said she felt fine, but Garrus was still nervous about letting her go groundside again (not that he had any real authority in that area, but she indulged him), so she’d spent the past few days making rounds on the ship, catching up with the crew, and placing requisition orders. He knew she didn’t like sitting around, knew she was going to insist on moving forward with their growing list of missions – but if he was being completely honest with himself, he wasn’t sure when he’d feel comfortable with the idea of her risking her life again. Not after everything he’d just been through.

They’d been in bed together, drifting in and out of sleep, when Joker’s voice filled the room, saying they had an incoming message coming from an unmarked shuttle in the vicinity. Shepard groaned wearily and told him to patch the message through.

“This is Commander Shepard, what-”

“Shepard! Wasn’t expecting to hear your voice.”

“Miranda?”

“Sorry I took so long, it wasn’t easy to pinpoint your location. Permission to board?”

“Permission granted,” Shepard said, shaking her head incredulously. The comm channel closed.

“I didn’t think she’d actually come,” she said, more to herself than to Garrus.

“Me neither. Still, won’t hurt to get her perspective on things,” he replied, untangling himself from her sheets.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she said, in a detached sort of tone that he rarely heard from her. He decided to ignore it for now, while he picked his armor off the floor.

They’d met Miranda, of all places, in the lounge (“I’ll need a few drinks to get through this,” Shepard had said to him in the elevator). Shepard asked what Miranda had been up to, Miranda deflected, and then there was nothing else to do but get right into it.

“What happened?” she asked, and Garrus closed his eyes, not eager to relive it. He knew he’d be the better person to explain it, but Shepard squeezed his hand slightly under the table and spoke first. Saving him again.

“Have you seen a Banshee? The things the Reapers make out of the asari?”

“The loud ones, you mean?” said Miranda.

Shepard took a sip of her drink to hide her grimace.

“Yeah, the loud ones. Well, they’ve got…really sharp fingers, I guess, and…”

She stood and pulled up her shirt, revealing the new scar across her abdomen. It had faded slightly, but the outline was still prominent, showing exactly where the Banshee had impaled her.

Miranda’s eyes widened.

“So you really did die. Again.”

Garrus stiffened. He didn’t think the ‘again’ was really necessary, but - he thought as she pulled up her omnitool to run a quick scan - if anyone had the right to talk so bluntly about Shepard’s death, it was her.

“Yeah,” said Shepard, still grimacing. “We were hoping you might have some insight.”

Miranda nodded slightly at her omnitool, not looking up. “Twelve hours, you say?” she asked, and Garrus found his voice again.

“Give or take. By the time we brought her on the ship she had stopped bleeding, even. Chakwas bandaged her up anyway, but we didn’t do anything else. That’s when I messaged you. Then twelve hours later she just opened her eyes like everything was normal.”

“And the wound?”

“Healed, though the bandages were bloody,” he said, trying to remember. Everything had happened so fast.

“And you didn’t check on it at all in between?” she asked, still looking at her omnitool.

“No,” Garrus said, wondering if he should have.

“Okay,” she said, looking up. “Commander, I’ve got a few theories, but I need the Lazarus Project files, which I don’t currently have access to.”

“I still have copies of all your files from your time on the Normandy, Operative Lawson,” EDI chimed in.

Miranda smirked. “Told you the AI would be handy, didn’t I?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “It might take a few hours to look through everything, confirm my suspicions – is it okay if I stay on the Normandy for a bit? It shouldn’t take too long.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine,” said Shepard. Garrus could tell she was tired – it was the middle of her sleep cycle after all – so he stood up, trying to end the meeting.

“I’ll let you know what I find, Commander.” Garrus and Shepard turned around to leave, and then – “But before you go, Vakarian, can I have a word?”

He and Shepard made eye contact for a moment. _You okay?_ her eyes asked. He shrugged, and turned back to Miranda. He heard the door open, and Shepard’s footsteps as she walked out.

Miranda looked at him in silence for a moment.

“What the hell happened down there, Vakarian?” She sounded…angry.

Garrus’s browplates rose involuntarily.

“There was a Banshee,” he said slowly.

“Yeah, I know. Why the hell didn’t you take it out?”

Garrus growled, too deep for her to hear. “I tried,” he spat. He didn’t owe her an explanation, not after all the guilt he’d felt over the last three days.

“You should have tried harder,” she snarled back. “Unless your _feelings_ for the commander make it hard for you to _do your fucking job_?”

Garrus’s hand curled into a fist, and he clenched his teeth.

“Excuse me?” he whispered, not trusting himself to say more.

“I let it go during the Collector mission because I didn’t think there was actually anything going on between you and Shepard, and because I thought you were professional enough not to let your personal feelings affect your performance. It appears I was wrong on both counts,” she said, here eyes boring into him, and he was unable to look away. “I should have said something after that mess with your former squadmate-”

“How do you even know about that?” he seethed. Krios had been the third on that mission, and Garrus had asked them both not to tell the rest of the crew. He took a breath, surprised how quickly that pain came back. He was over Sidonis…or, he’d thought he was.

“Shepard didn’t want you to shoot him, you know,” she went on, as if he she could sense his insecurity. “She was afraid it wouldn’t solve your _problem_.”

“My problem?” he choked.

“Oh yeah. You know, your problem where you let things get too personal, _cloud_ your _judgment_.” She pronounced each word like a bullet, sharp and painful and hitting him somewhere in his chest. “She didn’t want you to shoot him, but she let you do it anyway, because she _trusted_ you. She trusted that you’d be able to let it go. And look at you now!”

 _She’s right_ , he thought, and his stomach dropped. He relaxed his fists and took a steadying breath. Sidonis was an old wound, he reminded himself. It didn’t have anything to do with Shepard’s situation. _Did it?_

“What’s your point?” he asked, making an effort to keep his voice even.

She smiled, like he had just walked into a trap. “My point, Vakarian, is that your relationship with the commander is clearly affecting your ability – no, your _obligation_ to protect her.”

 _She’s right,_ he thought again. _And you know she’s right._ His thoughts flashed back to the way he’d been flirting with her from the balcony while she downloaded the data when he should have been climbing down, reloading, scanning for any remaining hostiles – he’d tried to snipe the Banshee and forgotten he was out of ammo! He cringed. Over the past few days he’d felt a lot of guilt about not being able to save her, but whenever he’d shared that with her she always reassured him that it wasn’t his fault, there wasn’t anything more he could have done.

But here was Miranda, saying there was more he could have done, and the reason he didn’t was because of his feelings.

“This is exactly why fraternization between crewmates is forbidden,” Miranda continued, looking past him and out the window. “This is exactly why things with…” she trailed off, finally, and shook her head. When she looked at him again, her gaze was clear.

“You let something like this happen again, and I’ve got a bullet with your name on it. I spent two years of my life bringing her back; I’m not about to let you jeopardize all that. Not when the fate of the galaxy is at stake.”

Garrus’s mind was racing with all the things he wanted to say – of course he could protect her, he’d been doing it long before they became what they were – what happened with Sidonis is in the past – he wasn’t going to be ashamed about his relationship with Shepard, she was the best thing that had ever happened to him – and where the hell did she get off, lecturing him like she had any right to? Why the hell was this any of her business?

But he didn’t want to continue the conversation with her, not when he was so close to punching something, so he just turned and walked out.

Only in the elevator, with the steady hum of the ship calming his nerves, did he regret not getting in the last word.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, i moved back to college this weekend so i've spent the past few days sweatily packing and unpacking all my stuff (do you ever feel like you just own Too Much? that's me, right here).
> 
> this chapter....came out of nowhere for me, like i thought they'd meet with miranda and everything'd be hunky dory, but then she got so mad and i was like ???what's ur damage ???
> 
> (here's her damage: jacob. they hint in the game that they have a history but it's never fleshed out at all, i'm so curious, if anyone knows any good fics please rec me)
> 
> another point: i feel like 99% of y'all have shepard stop garrus from shooting sidonis - and while that makes for some good fics about their fight afterwards, i never really relate to it because i always let garrus shoot sidonis, at first because i thought i wouldn't get his loyalty, and then even later because i feel like...garrus joined ur cerberus squad without any hesitation, unlike other ppl (cough KAIDAN cough) and i feel like i owe him one, no questions asked, in return.
> 
> i read a really good fic recently (while i was trolling the shakarian archives) that addressed garrus's feelings after shooting sidonis, ugh if i find it again i'll link it here, but other than that i've read very very few fics that had him go through with it, so it's been like a Goal of mine to include it somehow.
> 
> sorry this note got really long, i promise it won't be too long before the next update!
> 
> (edit: here's the fic i was talking about http://archiveofourown.org/works/867361, also shooting sidonis is talked about in this one http://archiveofourown.org/works/5627272 -- both of these are really really good oneshots, but so far the only ones i've found that directly deal with garrus shooting sidonis. if anyone had any thoughts about this, i'd love to hear them!)


	6. Chapter 6

After Garrus got off the elevator he stared at her door for awhile, then paced up and down the small hallway, and then stared again. He knew Shepard was going to ask what Lawson had wanted to talk about, and he didn’t like lying to her, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to tell her what she’d said – or how much it bothered him.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, but eventually he knew that he should go in. Maybe Shepard was already asleep and he wouldn’t have to talk about it.

He opened the door and stepped into the dark cabin. He couldn’t see anything, maybe that meant she was –

“Hey,” she called from the bed.

Fuck.

“Hey. Why aren’t you asleep?”

“Waiting for you. What did Miranda want?”

Garrus took a breath. _Be calm, tell her you’ll talk about it later –_

“How does Lawson know about Sidonis?” he said irritably, then cursed himself. He just couldn’t let it go.

“What? That’s what she wanted to talk about?”

Garrus bit his tongue, already wishing he hadn’t brought it up. He walked down the stairs and began taking off his armor by the light of the fishtank.

When he didn’t respond, Shepard spoke again. “Garrus, that was…more than a year ago.”

“I know that,” he said, surprised at the harshness of his tone. He didn’t want to be taking this out on her, but he couldn’t seem to get his emotions under control. He sat on the bed, head in his hands. Shepard sat up and put a hand on his shoulder, and he relaxed immediately.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice muffled. “She just took me by surprise.”

“I didn’t tell her, if that’s what you think.” She was whispering, but her voice was clear and firm. “And I don’t think Thane did, either,” she added, as if reading his mind. “She was spying on us for Cerberus at the time, I bet she knows everything that went on back then. Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t,” he said quickly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I just…I hadn’t thought about it in a long time, and…” He shook his head.

“Is there something else?”

“No.”

He was lying, he knew she knew he was lying, but she let it go. They sat in silence for a few moments, and Garrus let the conversation wash over him. He wanted to talk to her – she was his best friend, and he told her everything – but admitting that Lawson was right, that the way he felt about her was the reason she’d died…he couldn’t do it. Not yet. He lay down and she cuddled next to him, and eventually her breathing evened out. He stared out the port window, feeling her warmth against his skin, wondering for the first time what this might look like once everything was over.

 

__

 

Shepard woke with her usual alarm, but Garrus slept late; unusual for a turian, even more unusual for him. By the time he got out of bed and made his way down to the crew deck, Shepard had already finished breakfast and was, according to EDI, on a vid call with Hackett. He headed for the battery, knowing she’d find him if she needed him.

Hours later, he heard the battery doors open.

“Shepard, I-”

“Not Shepard, Vakarian.”

He turned around and saw Lawson. The door closed and she leaned against it, the casual act unfamiliar coming from her.

“Need me for something?” he asked, using the same line he used to use on Shepard.

“I just wanted to…” She swallowed. “Apologize. For being a bit antagonistic, last night. It wasn’t my place.”

It was clear that it was difficult for her to get the words out, and all the angry retorts that had been running through his mind faded away. “I care about Shepard,” she went on, “and I just want to make sure she’s safe.”

Garrus blinked a few times. “I care about her too,” he said awkwardly, unsure what else to say.

“I know,” she said, giving him a wry smile. And then she straightened her posture and the glimpse Garrus got of her humility was gone. “I was up all night looking over the files from the Lazarus Project, and I’ve got a few things I need to discuss with the commander – I’m sure she’d want you there as well. Have you got time right now?”

“Yeah, of course.”

They walked out of the battery and he followed her to the med bay. A minute later Shepard walked in, and the bad mood that had been following Garrus all day lifted a bit.

Shepard sat on one of the beds, and Garrus sat in the chair next to her, almost instinctively. He didn’t like being back here again.

“Commander,” Lawson started. She pulled up her omnitool and projected an image of a human form – something like the diagrams of human anatomy he’d studied in the military. With a pang in his chest he realized it was Shepard, after Alchera, after she died. This was the condition Cerberus had found her in. He looked away, wishing he could take Shepard’s hand, be reassured by her warmth, but he didn’t want to in front of Lawson.

“As you’ll recall, during the Lazarus Project many modifications had to be made in order to regain full functionality.” The image zoomed in to the face, and highlighted the cybernetics scattered underneath the skin. _Her_ cybernetics.

“Yeah, I remember hearing something about that,” she said. Her hands were clenched in her lap, and Garrus could feel the tension radiating off her. She wasn’t looking forward to this, he realized. She doesn’t want to know.

“In addition to your cybernetic implants, you were also given a handful of new organs, a heavy skin weave, and…” Lawson hesitated. “And experimental modifications to your cellular structure and nervous systems.”

Shepard bit her lip.

“Okay…?”

The image from Lawson’s omnitool zoomed in even farther, showing the body’s internal organs, and focused on a bunch of round objects. Cells?

“These modifications were suggested by the Illusive Man early on, although I was wary about changing basic biological functions. But after you were revived, and seemed perfectly normal, I determined that they had had no significant effect.”

“Until now,” Shepard said, frowning.

“The idea was that if your body experienced significant injury, the modified cells would be able to repair the damage more quickly. And that’s been true, for the most part. Your body now, in conjunction with your implants, skin weave, and the modified cells, has been abnormally resilient. So, under those parameters, this part of the Lazarus Project was a success.”

“But you didn’t expect this.”

“No. But having looked at the notes of the biologist who oversaw the cellular modification project, I understand what happened. When you were injured by the Banshee,” (Lawson’s eyes shifted to Garrus for a millisecond), “your cells immediately began repairing the damage. However, the extent of the damage made it impossible for them to repair quickly enough. To compensate, your body shut off critical systems – your heart, your lungs, your brain – to give the cells more time to work. That’s why you appeared dead.”

“Appeared?” Garrus asked brusquely. “Was she dead or not?”

Miranda’s mouth formed a thin line. “For all intents and purposes, she was dead. But her cells were still active, repairing the damage. After they were done, she…stopped being dead.”

Garrus looked at Shepard, trying to read the expression on her face, but it was changing too rapidly.

Then, “So you’re saying I’m invincible? The Reapers aren’t gonna like that.” She was smiling, but Garrus saw her fists clenched in her lap, and the panic in her eyes.

“Not invincible, Shepard. The wound from the Banshee took twelve hours to heal. If it had been much longer, or if you had sustained any additional injuries in the meantime, the cells would have died due to lack of energy. The modifications gave them a longer life span, but they couldn’t have kept going forever.” She paused. “However, I feel confident saying that most physical injuries – even the ones that would kill you – are survivable. But it doesn’t protect you from everything. There might be an injury that’s too big to heal, but without any more data I can’t say what the cutoff point is.”

There was a long silence. Garrus’s mind was spinning too quickly for him to voice any coherent thoughts. In some ways it was a relief, knowing that her odds of survival had just increased, but would that make him more complacent? Would his will to protect her fade, if he just assumed she would always be okay? And how many more times would he have to go through this, carrying her limp body on the ship, holding her cold hand, while her cells rebuilt her from the inside out? And what would he do if twelve hours went by and she still hadn’t woken up? When would he know she was really gone? How long would he keep hoping that she’d come back?

“You didn’t have the right,” Shepard whispered. Garrus looked up suddenly, but she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring down Lawson, fuming. “You think I wanted this? You think I want to be able to keep dying and just keep coming back?”

“The galaxy needs you, Commander,” Miranda said hastily.

“You think I don’t know that?” She sprang up from the bed and ran her fingers through her hair. “I know you did what you had to do to bring me back, and I know I haven’t always been grateful, but I understood. But this? This is too far. It’s unnatural. It’s too much. I know what my duty is, Miranda, but I don’t want to live forever! That’s never what I wanted!”

"You’ll still die, Shepard!” Miranda shouted back. “These modifications won’t protect you from illness or – or from old age. It was an experimental process - which I _disapproved of_ \- but it just saved your life!”

“You don’t have the right!”

“It was meant to protect you!” Shepard opened her mouth but Miranda kept going. “ _And_ the people who care about you,” she spat, and looked pointedly at Garrus.

Shepard looked at him too, but he refused to meet her gaze. He could understand her trepidation, but did she really wish she’d died? Didn’t she know what that would do to him?

He stood up slowly, feeling the gazes of the two women burning holes in his armor, but he kept looking straight ahead.

“I – I need – I can’t - ”

“Garrus-”

“Vakarian-”

“No.” He took a breath. “I can’t do this right now.” He walked out of the med bay and still felt both their eyes on him until the door slid closed.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long - this was a struggle for me to write for a lot of reasons. this scene / explanation was what i had in mind when i came up for the idea of this fic, and tbh it looks a lot different than i first pictured it. (also i'm not a biology person whatsoever so please excuse everything i just made up)  
> a few notes: shoutout to everyone who commented about sidonis, i have like so many thoughts about that so thank you all for your input and letting me ramble in response! the reason i didn't have shepard and garrus Get Into It is because if you read the fics i rec'd (which you SHOULD), basically my version of a conversation between shepard and garrus about shooting sidonis would be a combination of those two fics, like, to me those fics so perfectly align with my headcanon that anything i write would be staright up plagiarism lol.  
> also: when i imagined this scene i really didn't expect shepard to get angry about it; this whole fic has become a lot longer than i intended and characters have acted in ways i really didn't expect, so i guess shepard getting mad at miranda is just par for the course. or maybe i just really like writing arguments? i'm still not 100% on what shepard's so mad about lol but i guess we'll find out together!  
> <3
> 
>  
> 
> edit: y'all, i am so sorry i haven't gotten back to this, school has really started picking up and also i have a bit of writer's block -- thank you so much to everyone who's been reading and commenting, it means so so much to me, i'm just feeling a lil discouraged rn. but i promise i'll try to get back to this soon. much love.


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